Being left is never an easy thing. Humans are not only minds, nor are they only bodies. We are souls, we are hearts, we are minds. We are opinions, we are assumptions, we are emotions. We are a bundle of imperfection that come together as puzzle pieces, to be one big beautiful picture that would be incomplete without all of its colors and wonders.
Perhaps that is why letting go is so hard, because we come to know another we piece them slowly. And letting go of all that hard work is like holding broken glass while walking on hot coal. It is painful. And I shall share my progress. As piecing yourself again, is even more painful.
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When one feels the pain of being left, they truly believe it cannot get worse than that. And sure, the severity? No, you do not feel like you will actually get a heart attack and drop dead from the amount of pain anymore.
Instead, you will stand up, build yourself piece by piece. You will cry and cry again, you will take make more and more progress until you think that progress is linear.
but it isn’t.
If a roller coaster was a formula, that would be progress.
Because you go from being able to talk to others and smile again, to isolating yourself from even your reflection in the mirror.
Because you go from being able to sleep on your own, to taking a higher dose of sleeping pills and still waking up drenched in sweat from the constant nightmares.
Because you go from exercising and cleaning, to being too sad to physically move.
and that is okay.
Until now letting go is hard. Perhaps it would be easier if I could simply have my questions answered. But I know very well that is not true.
Closure is something you give yourself.
Perhaps the most frustrating part about it is that you need not to get answers, need not so search for them, but rather to live un-needing of them. Live with none of the pieces of them. Need not to live needing them. Need not to live needing to be needed.
You need to be everything you need and everything you want. So when one decides to leave or hurt, the curiosity dies faster, the heart heals better.
You truly believe you go the hang of things, now with more tools and lessons to look upon.
Then something happens.
You start to feel again and your humanity forces itself upon your mind and soul.
The pain, the memories.
No matter if you escape them from your waking moments, they haunt you in your sleep and weakness. Your mind is flooded with all the little things as their voices rings louder, louder, louder.
At times you feel your soul shattering all over again.
But it passes. I need you to remember this. I need you to know this.
The pain passes.
I know you might have done things that you are not proud of when you were in pain. I know you still go back to the silly things you used to do. I know you sometimes have lengthy conversations with an imaginary one that was once a somebody.
Oh, dear, I am so so sorry. You are not alone in any way.
I know all you wish to do is to distract yourself. But at the very end of the day the feelings and the memories are there, demanding to be felt. And you will have to allow yourself time with you, yourself, and all the pain that is yet to be felt.
Sometimes you’ll try everything , and still feel the pain burning through you. “Maybe I should let go.” I wonder. What’s stopping me?
I think it is the pain that is yet to come. Oh, dear, I am in ruins with the pain that I am in, what more pain I can handle?
But it is ought to come. Letting go. If the answers are not going to come, if you are being held back, and you know, oh dear, you know.
So let’s do this together okay?
I know that going through pain when we have mental health struggles can be much more destructive that with none. I know that you feel like you are jumping into freezing water. I know that you are scared old demons are going to be unleashed.
The truth is, mistakes are not meant to be made once. Lessons aren’t meant to be learned once. The same demons are not meant to be fought once.
It is going to hurt and break, but dear….. Let go.
Of all the broken promises.
Of all the beautiful memories that carry their essence.
Of all the wishes.
-Aimz
